The Beginning
August, 4, 2011, my life was changed forever. It was an ending to a relationship with a guy I was incredibly in love with. My heart was broken. Not the sad childlike sadness, but the nauseating, empty, lonely sadness. It was unhealthy to feel that weak. I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath, I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I felt like my body couldn’t stir up enough energy to cry.
I was starving for Christ. I wanted to believe that He was strong enough to get me through this pain. Growing up in church I heard so many testimonies of God carrying people through their tragedies. I need Him, I needed Him to help me get through my tragedy. I thirsted for His word. Every morning I would dive into the word desperate for an answer. I hoped that God would see my effort and give me enough strength to get through another day. Mornings were the hardest, they felt like an uphill climb with a thousand pounds on my shoulders.
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, it got easier. God literally carried me. I talked to God when I was getting ready for the day in the morning, driving, going to the store, falling sleep at night, etc. I prayed without stopping. I felt like He was right next to me every second, talking to me, holding me, comforting me. He was there. He was right next to me.
Fall semester started and I was ready to hit the ground running. Ryan went to the same school as I did. That was heavy on my mind. I was anxious to run into him or just see him. When I started school, I found out that I wouldn’t be having a roommate. That was something I was very nervous about. I was nervous about being all by myself and feeling lonely. Then, I remembered that God was still with me and that I was strong enough to face this. And again, He was. He never failed to show me He was right there.
The first few weeks were the toughest but eventually I made some new friends, got connected to a church and some amazing campus worship groups. I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to get connected to groups that made such and impact on my secular college. I felt like I was able to breathe a little bit.
When I finally felt like I could stand up I slowly but God in the backseat. I started to feel like I can do it on my own. I feel like it’s common for Christians to run to Christ in the hard times and walk away when you feel like you can do it on your own. It’s a selfish feeling. It was almost like God was going to be there for “Emergency” use only.
On the outside I looked like I was a strong girl who doesn’t have a care in the world, but in the inside I was bitter, I was still hurt and I didn’t want Gods help anymore because I didn’t want to forgive Ryan. I wanted to be angry because I felt stronger and I was able to shove the thought of him hurting me out of my head. I started making choices on the side of my “Good Girl” life. Small careless choices turned into big careless choices. Then I stopped going to church, stopped talking to God, and let go.
I was starving for Christ. I wanted to believe that He was strong enough to get me through this pain. Growing up in church I heard so many testimonies of God carrying people through their tragedies. I need Him, I needed Him to help me get through my tragedy. I thirsted for His word. Every morning I would dive into the word desperate for an answer. I hoped that God would see my effort and give me enough strength to get through another day. Mornings were the hardest, they felt like an uphill climb with a thousand pounds on my shoulders.
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, it got easier. God literally carried me. I talked to God when I was getting ready for the day in the morning, driving, going to the store, falling sleep at night, etc. I prayed without stopping. I felt like He was right next to me every second, talking to me, holding me, comforting me. He was there. He was right next to me.
Fall semester started and I was ready to hit the ground running. Ryan went to the same school as I did. That was heavy on my mind. I was anxious to run into him or just see him. When I started school, I found out that I wouldn’t be having a roommate. That was something I was very nervous about. I was nervous about being all by myself and feeling lonely. Then, I remembered that God was still with me and that I was strong enough to face this. And again, He was. He never failed to show me He was right there.
The first few weeks were the toughest but eventually I made some new friends, got connected to a church and some amazing campus worship groups. I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to get connected to groups that made such and impact on my secular college. I felt like I was able to breathe a little bit.
When I finally felt like I could stand up I slowly but God in the backseat. I started to feel like I can do it on my own. I feel like it’s common for Christians to run to Christ in the hard times and walk away when you feel like you can do it on your own. It’s a selfish feeling. It was almost like God was going to be there for “Emergency” use only.
On the outside I looked like I was a strong girl who doesn’t have a care in the world, but in the inside I was bitter, I was still hurt and I didn’t want Gods help anymore because I didn’t want to forgive Ryan. I wanted to be angry because I felt stronger and I was able to shove the thought of him hurting me out of my head. I started making choices on the side of my “Good Girl” life. Small careless choices turned into big careless choices. Then I stopped going to church, stopped talking to God, and let go.
My Wonderful Surprise
Early October I wasn't feeling like myself. I felt like I could be pregnant, but I didn't have any "signs". One night I was sitting on my bed watching TV in my dorm room when one of my roommates came in to say hi to me. I told her I had a weird feeling I was pregnant. She we grabbed another girl friend and headed to Wal-Mart. They ran in and got me a pregnancy test. When we got back to the dorm room I went straight to the bathroom to take it. I left it in the bathroom, walked out, and shut the door.
I had this theory that if my roommates looked at the test it would be negative. I could just hear them yell, "Told you! You had nothing to worry about!"
But my theory didn't work... they walk into the bathroom to look at my results and I listen. I hear crying. I knew the answer. I walk in the bathroom to look at the results myself. It was positive. I was gonna have a baby.
For some reason, I had a weird calm feeling. I took a deep breath and I put my thoughts together. I think deep down I knew I was pregnant and just two days before I took the test I prayed to God that HIS will be done. So I knew that this this baby had a plan. Not only that, but God was gonna restore my life, He was gonna fix my broken heart.
Ten minutes after taking the test I called my mom. It was about 11:00pm and I was hoping she wasn't already asleep. I called. She answered.
"Mom?"
"Yes...?"
"I need to you something.."
"Ok."
"I'm pregnant."
When I told her she got quiet. I didn't say anything, I just let it sink in. We began to talk about what I need to do as far as me coming up there and going to the doctor. I remember her being very soft spoken and very sweet. I found comfort in her voice and when we got off the phone I heard her say, "I love you."
We always tell each other we love each other when we get off the phone but this time it was different. This time it had a stronger meaning. It was her telling me it was going to be okay, that she wasn't mad at me, and last, that I was not alone. I knew that not only was God gonna change my life with this baby, He was going to give me an even stronger relationship with my mom.
I went to sleep that night peacefully. I was terrified, and had no idea what God was doing with this 20 year old college student, but I fell asleep with my hand on my tummy that night.
I think I already loved him.
I had this theory that if my roommates looked at the test it would be negative. I could just hear them yell, "Told you! You had nothing to worry about!"
But my theory didn't work... they walk into the bathroom to look at my results and I listen. I hear crying. I knew the answer. I walk in the bathroom to look at the results myself. It was positive. I was gonna have a baby.
For some reason, I had a weird calm feeling. I took a deep breath and I put my thoughts together. I think deep down I knew I was pregnant and just two days before I took the test I prayed to God that HIS will be done. So I knew that this this baby had a plan. Not only that, but God was gonna restore my life, He was gonna fix my broken heart.
Ten minutes after taking the test I called my mom. It was about 11:00pm and I was hoping she wasn't already asleep. I called. She answered.
"Mom?"
"Yes...?"
"I need to you something.."
"Ok."
"I'm pregnant."
When I told her she got quiet. I didn't say anything, I just let it sink in. We began to talk about what I need to do as far as me coming up there and going to the doctor. I remember her being very soft spoken and very sweet. I found comfort in her voice and when we got off the phone I heard her say, "I love you."
We always tell each other we love each other when we get off the phone but this time it was different. This time it had a stronger meaning. It was her telling me it was going to be okay, that she wasn't mad at me, and last, that I was not alone. I knew that not only was God gonna change my life with this baby, He was going to give me an even stronger relationship with my mom.
I went to sleep that night peacefully. I was terrified, and had no idea what God was doing with this 20 year old college student, but I fell asleep with my hand on my tummy that night.
I think I already loved him.
The Journey Starts
From the very beginning my family was supportive. My momma was so amazing, she never made me feel like a failure. Noah, my youngest brother, was unplanned. When Noah was born he blessed all of our lives in an amazing way. That's one reason my mom reacted to my pregnancy in a positive way. She never wanted me to be ashamed.
When I first saw my brother after finding out, Josh would say there was a "Baby Fetus" in my belly. Even though on the outside I shouldn't look excited, on the inside I was kind of happy. I felt like I had something to live for since I got my heart broken. That is also what I thought God was giving me, a baby to fix my heart.
There was a weekend my siblings, my mom, and I went to my Nana's house. I was about two months pregnant. That was when my mom named the baby for the first time. His name was "Peanut". It was so cute because that was how big the baby was. I was always on my iPhone downloading pregnancy applications. I always liked to see how much the baby grew every week. I thought is was so cool.
I would tell the baby I love him all the time. Honestly, not because I felt an emotional connection with the baby but because I didn't want the baby to ever feel unloved. (Not that he could hear me anyway). The reason I didn't feel a connection with the baby was because I couldn't let myself. I felt like I needed to guard my heart.
When I first saw my brother after finding out, Josh would say there was a "Baby Fetus" in my belly. Even though on the outside I shouldn't look excited, on the inside I was kind of happy. I felt like I had something to live for since I got my heart broken. That is also what I thought God was giving me, a baby to fix my heart.
There was a weekend my siblings, my mom, and I went to my Nana's house. I was about two months pregnant. That was when my mom named the baby for the first time. His name was "Peanut". It was so cute because that was how big the baby was. I was always on my iPhone downloading pregnancy applications. I always liked to see how much the baby grew every week. I thought is was so cool.
I would tell the baby I love him all the time. Honestly, not because I felt an emotional connection with the baby but because I didn't want the baby to ever feel unloved. (Not that he could hear me anyway). The reason I didn't feel a connection with the baby was because I couldn't let myself. I felt like I needed to guard my heart.
Adoption
Adoption was always in my mind since the moment I found I was pregnant. It was
first in my mind because I was scared and also ashamed. I didn't wanna look like
I failed. I was too scared of being judged because I was a single girl, in
college, that got "knocked up". I was very prideful.
Later on,
with the help of my mom, I got passed that mindset. It didn't matter what people
thought. It wasn't about me, it was about that sweet baby angel growing in my
tummy. I went back and forth on adoption for a few months. It was so stressful.
I wanted to know what God needed me to do. I wanted an answer from him. I was so
desperate that God would give me a sign on the wall saying, "Adoption" or
"Parent this baby". That's why I didn't bond with the baby, because I didn't
wanna fall in love and have to let go and hurt so bad. Or worst, have a family
and change my mind and break their hearts. I needed an answer.
Every
child deserves a father. Growing up I had two parents but I wasn't very close to
my dad. My parents didn't have a good marriage and that effected their
relationships with their children when they were young. Nobody was really close.
Because I didn't have a relationship with my dad, I grew up feeling like
something was missing. It affected how I viewed myself and how I lived my life.
I didn't want that for this baby. I have so much respect for single mothers but
I wanted to give this baby everything I could. Including a father that was
loving and ready to have a baby.
In December, I got a call from my mom
telling me about this couple that was wanting to adopt. I have known this couple
since I was young. I met with them and offered them the best gift I could ever
give anyone, a baby. I was happy that this baby now can have two parents.
first in my mind because I was scared and also ashamed. I didn't wanna look like
I failed. I was too scared of being judged because I was a single girl, in
college, that got "knocked up". I was very prideful.
Later on,
with the help of my mom, I got passed that mindset. It didn't matter what people
thought. It wasn't about me, it was about that sweet baby angel growing in my
tummy. I went back and forth on adoption for a few months. It was so stressful.
I wanted to know what God needed me to do. I wanted an answer from him. I was so
desperate that God would give me a sign on the wall saying, "Adoption" or
"Parent this baby". That's why I didn't bond with the baby, because I didn't
wanna fall in love and have to let go and hurt so bad. Or worst, have a family
and change my mind and break their hearts. I needed an answer.
Every
child deserves a father. Growing up I had two parents but I wasn't very close to
my dad. My parents didn't have a good marriage and that effected their
relationships with their children when they were young. Nobody was really close.
Because I didn't have a relationship with my dad, I grew up feeling like
something was missing. It affected how I viewed myself and how I lived my life.
I didn't want that for this baby. I have so much respect for single mothers but
I wanted to give this baby everything I could. Including a father that was
loving and ready to have a baby.
In December, I got a call from my mom
telling me about this couple that was wanting to adopt. I have known this couple
since I was young. I met with them and offered them the best gift I could ever
give anyone, a baby. I was happy that this baby now can have two parents.
Moving forward
January 20, 2012, was the day I found out that I was gonna have a boy. Everyone was so excited and emotional. It was truly one of the best moments in my life. I will never forget my mom's reaction. It didn't take long before my mom saw his "manhood" on the screen and yelled to the nurse, "Is that a penis?!?!", it was hilarious. Everyone laughed and cried. I knew this baby boy was gonna be a blessing. He was already so loved and so adored by my momma, his adoptive parents, and especially, his birthmother.
Christopher Stephen.
I have been asked many times about how I felt carrying a baby I was gonna "give up". I hate the words, "give up". I "offered" my baby to a family. I made a decision to give my son a life that I couldn't give him. Two parents that love him and can provide him a life that is not only provided for, but a life that is full of opportunities. God really carried and guarded my heart after I made the decision to adopt. I loved baby Christopher but I tried to not get to attached in fear of changing my mind. God gave me the prospective that I needed to have to follow through. I loved feeling him move and talking to him. I loved carrying him. I am so blessed that God gave me the honor to carrying and give birth to Christopher.
Christopher Stephen.
I have been asked many times about how I felt carrying a baby I was gonna "give up". I hate the words, "give up". I "offered" my baby to a family. I made a decision to give my son a life that I couldn't give him. Two parents that love him and can provide him a life that is not only provided for, but a life that is full of opportunities. God really carried and guarded my heart after I made the decision to adopt. I loved baby Christopher but I tried to not get to attached in fear of changing my mind. God gave me the prospective that I needed to have to follow through. I loved feeling him move and talking to him. I loved carrying him. I am so blessed that God gave me the honor to carrying and give birth to Christopher.
The Day my Life Changed
I went to Mercy hopital in Rogers, Arkansas, for a regular doctors appointment. I had mild preeclampsia and the doctor had put me on bed rest and made me coming in twice a week to keep an eye on me. My mom and Christopher's soon-to-be daddy was with me. The doctor told my that I would be delivering that day. I was in shock. I was terrified but I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want Christopher's adoptive parents to worry and I wanted to stay strong for my mom. My mom had been my rock through my pregnancy and I knew that this day was gonna be just has hard for her, if not harder. My mom has had five babies and knows the love and connection you get after giving birth and she knew what I was going to have to let go of. I knew God was protecting me and my heart. So i smiled and moved forward.
I have never felt so close to God then I did when I was in labor. I had an epidural, but I was still in so much pain. I felt closer to God because every time I would hurt I would close my eyes and thank God. I would thank Him for strength and tell Him He gets the glory. Every pain, "Lord, you get the glory. Thank you for comfort and peace." I loved the strength I felt knowing that I wasn't giving life for me, but for the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of Life.
My mom was my angel. She was next to me the whole time making sure I was okay. I can't imagine the pain she felt seeing her oldest baby hurting and knowing the pain that will soon come. She had a playlist softly playing in my room. Kari Jobe, Coldplay, and David Crowder Band made things a little more relaxing.
I will never forget the moment my mom and I had after I gave birth to Christopher. As soon has he was born my mom and I broke down crying. I kept yelling at my mom, "Mom! He is alive! He is alive because of me!" We cried and thanked God for life.
Just like everyone, I have made plenty of choices I am not proud of, but the moment I gave life to Christopher was the proudest I have ever been. I made a choice to give life and not take the easy way out. I knew Jesus was in the hospital room right next to me, holding me, and allowing me to rejoice at the birth of my sweet boy.
Angels danced when he was born.
At 2:56am, on May 15, 2012, Christopher Stephen was born. He weighed 6 pounds and 15 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and for the first time in my life I felt something that I had never felt before...true love. He was a prince. A prince with my nose.
I have never felt so close to God then I did when I was in labor. I had an epidural, but I was still in so much pain. I felt closer to God because every time I would hurt I would close my eyes and thank God. I would thank Him for strength and tell Him He gets the glory. Every pain, "Lord, you get the glory. Thank you for comfort and peace." I loved the strength I felt knowing that I wasn't giving life for me, but for the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of Life.
My mom was my angel. She was next to me the whole time making sure I was okay. I can't imagine the pain she felt seeing her oldest baby hurting and knowing the pain that will soon come. She had a playlist softly playing in my room. Kari Jobe, Coldplay, and David Crowder Band made things a little more relaxing.
I will never forget the moment my mom and I had after I gave birth to Christopher. As soon has he was born my mom and I broke down crying. I kept yelling at my mom, "Mom! He is alive! He is alive because of me!" We cried and thanked God for life.
Just like everyone, I have made plenty of choices I am not proud of, but the moment I gave life to Christopher was the proudest I have ever been. I made a choice to give life and not take the easy way out. I knew Jesus was in the hospital room right next to me, holding me, and allowing me to rejoice at the birth of my sweet boy.
Angels danced when he was born.
At 2:56am, on May 15, 2012, Christopher Stephen was born. He weighed 6 pounds and 15 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and for the first time in my life I felt something that I had never felt before...true love. He was a prince. A prince with my nose.
Letting go...
Before I had Christopher, my mom and I talked about what we wanted in the hospital after he was born. I didn't want to leave the hospital with any regrets. So Tuesday night, my mom and I got a chance to love on him all by ourselves.
I still was trying to guard my heart and not get too close to him in fear that I would get attached and not be able to let go. We had a few hours with him. My mom turned on our special playlist and laid down with him. She kissed and held him and loved on him. She was in love with him. I saw a mixture of sadness, pain, and fear in her eyes. She was already hurting. I was numb. I didn't allow myself to feel anything. My mom told me to hold him and love on him. I had a smile on my face but in the inside I was so terrified.. I didn't wanna hurt. But I held him. I put him close to my heart so he knew who I was and I whispered to him because he knew my voice. I told him I loved him. My mom and I undressed him and looked at his body. We wanted to memorize him. We wanted to see the amazing life God knitted in my belly.
My mom crawled into the hospital bed with me and we put him in the middle of us. My mom holding her baby while I held my baby... Thats when we broke down. We listened to the sweetest songs and just held each other. We soaked it in. I silently prayed over his life. There could have never been enough time to let him go.
I still was trying to guard my heart and not get too close to him in fear that I would get attached and not be able to let go. We had a few hours with him. My mom turned on our special playlist and laid down with him. She kissed and held him and loved on him. She was in love with him. I saw a mixture of sadness, pain, and fear in her eyes. She was already hurting. I was numb. I didn't allow myself to feel anything. My mom told me to hold him and love on him. I had a smile on my face but in the inside I was so terrified.. I didn't wanna hurt. But I held him. I put him close to my heart so he knew who I was and I whispered to him because he knew my voice. I told him I loved him. My mom and I undressed him and looked at his body. We wanted to memorize him. We wanted to see the amazing life God knitted in my belly.
My mom crawled into the hospital bed with me and we put him in the middle of us. My mom holding her baby while I held my baby... Thats when we broke down. We listened to the sweetest songs and just held each other. We soaked it in. I silently prayed over his life. There could have never been enough time to let him go.
My Heart
I created this blog to share what God has done in my life. I want to reach out to anyone that is in a tough situation. My story isn't over and I have to continue to trust God and allow him to be strong.
Everyone has a story. Whether you were in a relationship, or you lost a loved one, or you made decisions in your life that you regret. You have a story. The cool thing about having a story is you are the only one who can make it beautiful. It all depends on your attitude and how you choose to look at it. There is not a story that is too messed up to make beautiful. God is the only one who can give you the strength and the courage to move forward. You have to trust him and lift up your mistakes and decisions up to him and trust that He will take care of you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and never harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you for taking time to read my blog. God bless!
Everyone has a story. Whether you were in a relationship, or you lost a loved one, or you made decisions in your life that you regret. You have a story. The cool thing about having a story is you are the only one who can make it beautiful. It all depends on your attitude and how you choose to look at it. There is not a story that is too messed up to make beautiful. God is the only one who can give you the strength and the courage to move forward. You have to trust him and lift up your mistakes and decisions up to him and trust that He will take care of you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and never harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you for taking time to read my blog. God bless!
God says, "We'll work through this. In the meantime I'll be faithful to finish. So keep walking, keep pressing, keep confessing, I won't let you go. No one can condemn you! Who can bring a charge against you?! You're mine! Everything is mine! It's the resurrection of Christ that justifies." -John Piper