When I showed up for church I saw many sad eyes when people looked at me. I felt like my pain was loud and it was turned up loud for everyone to hear. I looked for my safe haven, my momma. She wasn't anywhere. Standing in the choir I felt like my legs were gonna give out and I look at the Pastor's wife, she looks at me with eyes as if she knew my pain, and said, "You are my hero". That was all I needed and I couldn't hold it in. I got off the stage before a baby dedication and went to find my momma. She was in the Mothers room laying on the couch sick. She had gotten sick on her way to church and still showed up just to be there for me. My mom recently just gotten her vaccines for her missions trip to Africa and has been really sick. Emily was sitting beside her helpless. Although my mom was sick, as soon as I with her I felt better.
I brought my mom to my place and got her comfortable, it was nice to take care of her. When she was comfortable in bed I laid right beside her, both of us silent. I knew my mom was hurting, not just from being sick, but from knowing what this day held for us. I cried and she held my hand, and we fell asleep.
After lunch with my family and my mom going home, my little sister, Hope wanted to stay the afternoon with me. All day I had been feeling like a walking zombie, checked out of reality. I wasn't tired but my body wanted to shut down. We decided to go walking around Lake Fayetteville to get me moving around and hopefully feeling better. We get ready and jump in the car. We get there and I couldn't move. I normally would be so excited to get in the beautiful weather and get some exercise. But today, I didn't even want to get out of the car. I started to cry and Hope held me. Instead we go home and take a nap. I wanted to check out of this day. I couldn't understand why my eyes couldn't stay dry. It almost felt like my physical body was grieving just as it was a year ago.
I woke up and thought I'd try and stay strong and go to church this evening. I knew it would be good for me. I put on the dress I wore to church this morning and started to feel overwhelmed. I didn't even wanna get ready. I didn't wanna move. I knew I needed to do something to get me feeling better.
I met up with a girl friend who I haven't seen in a long time. God literally hand picked this girl for this time in my life. I have known that and I've planned on having coffee with her for months but haven't made it happen. Tonight I felt like I needed to see her. We got some coffee and chatting. Within 5 minutes of hanging out with her I was making jokes and laughing. We talked for hours. The first time I have felt like a human being all day.
I know Mother's Day will not always be this hard. I know in time it will get easier. Not that I will "let go" or "get over it", but I will find comfort in this day. God will make beauty out of it. I continue to trust Him and press on..
But tonight, I am checking out of this day.
Goodnight, friends.